Finding Life's Purpose
Updated: Oct 3, 2019
How are you? Thank you for tuning in to my (almost) daily blog post. I have spent my Sunday morning reflecting on the big questions of life – just some light reading for you in this post then, I hear you say!
As some of you know already, I am on a bit of a journey. I’m not sure how to call this journey other than a movement away from the image of myself that I have held for the best part of my adult life, to something else. That something else is yet to be manifested. I want it to be the birth of my new self as a writer and as a person who delights in life. Someone who helps others to delight in their life too. I want that to be my service in this world. Helping others reach their potential through telling stories.
I am stepping out into the unknown, into the darkness. I am no longer working in my chosen profession, academia and my family and I have recently moved to a new country. So, I’m in a state of flux and I’m trying to grab onto something solid. I realise, however, the solid object that I am reaching for may not actually be there yet. It is a process, through which I have to move in order to find my purpose. On the other side of the process, I hope I will know what my next stage in life will be. All I know now is that I am searching for meaning and I haven’t found it yet. I plan to continue searching until I am satisfied that I have found it. One thing I am sure of, though, is that I need to develop my spiritual life to truly find that meaning. Even though, my professional life, my personal life and my health need a lot of work too, I’m working on my spiritual life for now.
I heard a quote this morning on my marathon podcast session that has stayed with me. It was the famous line that Fannie Lou Hamer said in 1964:
“I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I’m looking for something more. I’m looking for peace in my soul and I’m looking to unwrap my life’s purpose. I am calling on the universe to help me do it. I’m here and I’m ready to do what it takes to fulfil my calling.
I know that I already have a number of callings in my life. I have been called to be a mother to two beautiful boys and a wife to an amazing man, a sister to two strong women and a daughter to two hard-working, God-fearing people. I am grateful for those callings every day – or at least I should be grateful everyday. Deep down, I know there is at least one more calling I have yet to manifest. That’s the one I’m working on right now, while being grateful for all the other callings and blessings in my life.
Are any of you out there feeling the same way? Are you feeling a shift taking place in your life that has been brought about by your need to find your life’s purpose? Are you further along your path than me? If so, any words of wisdom? I am starting my journey, but I know I don’t want it to be a solitary journey, embark on it with me. We won’t experience the same journey, but we can support each other along the way!
At this time in my life, I am in pain every day. It’s not excruciating pain, thank the Lord, but I have constant pain in my stomach and back.
I have suffered from a chronic illness for eighteen years of my life. So, I am often in pain. I’m not looking for sympathy as I know everyone has a cross to bear in life. I am telling you because I know my next stage in life will be linked to this pain in some way.
In a way, I have allowed my illness to define me. At times in my life, I almost took comfort in the fact that I had a chronic illness. I have, many times, used it as a crutch. I have often said things like, I can’t because I have UC (Ulcerative Colitis). I’ve used it to justify things that I’ve done and to get out of commitments that I did not want to do. To be honest, I’ve felt sorry for myself. Why me? I have it harder than everybody else because I have a chronic illness.
However, I’m coming to the conclusion that this pain has been put in my life to teach me something. For as long as I use my illness as a crutch, I will not learn the lesson I need to learn. I’m not entirely clear on what the lesson is but I plan to write about it and meditate on it until it becomes clear.
UC is an autoimmune disease. My body is attacking itself. It is in an autoimmune state. It sees elements of itself as the enemy. Looking at the bigger picture, do I see myself as the enemy? Am I sabotaging my own life? In academia, I did not progress. I worked really hard but I remained stunted, unable to secure a permanent position. Why was that? I have to ask myself these hard questions but until now I have not received (wanted?) answers. I’m realising now though that in many ways in my life I have been blocked. This has slowed my growth as a human being. Who has done the blocking? Me.
So, what is my illness about? Why is my body attacking itself and has been for the last 18 years? Do I truly like who I am? If I did, would I be attacking myself? Would I need to control everything that I eat? To almost obsessive degrees? I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, but is there something in my subconscious making me ill?
Another statement that I heard today that really rang true for me was…
"I cannot trust and so therefore I need to control everything."
For years now, I have fooled myself into believing I can control everything. I find it hard to delegate because I do not believe things will get done properly. This causes me to get stressed as I take on too much. Fundamentally, I have a lack of trust in others. I knew I had control issues but seeing it from that perspective this morning really made me think.
Do I even trust myself that I can get better? Will I really be able to let go of control? Will I start to heal if I learn to let go of control, even a little bit? The idea of letting go of control over certain aspects of my life seems really alien to me, in my current state, but I’m going to try. Everyday, I’m going to look for things that I can release out of my control. Things that are beyond my control, yet which I still seek to control. Don’t ask me what these are, as I am still figuring it out but watch this space.
You with me?
Wish me luck!
Namaste good people!