Welcome to my website. My Name is Rachel and I am a writer.
My intention for this site is to connect with like-minded people and to let people read my short stories.
First and foremost, I am looking for connection. I realise now, in my forties, connection is everything.
You see, I am on a journey...metaphorically speaking. Over the last few years, I have shed so much of myself (or what I thought was myself), that I feel like a different person. Some people call this type of journey, the dark night of the soul. I guess I call it a journey of self-discovery.
For as long as I can remember, I've had a strong drive and curiosity. I’ve always followed my curiosity and I’ve loved learning. I have four degrees and my final degree was my PhD. All along the path of my life I’ve had moments where I’ve paused and asked God what my path was, and I’ve always felt led by him. Instead of following logic, I’ve always followed those whispers that come to me when I am at a fork in my path. I’m glad to say I’ve always felt guided and supported in my life by a force greater than myself. This method for living has served me well and I feel successful in my life.
About seven years ago now, I started to bargain with God. I would feel his pull, telling me I needed to give more back for all the wonderful things he has given me in my life. I would feel him saying to me “I need you, Rachel”. So, I started to say things like: “Let me get my PhD and then I’ll do all the service you want me to do.”
Anyway, I finished my PhD in 2014. At that point, because of all the blood, sweat and tears I spilled to get my PhD, I kinda decided that I would get a job and make some money for a bit. I accidently-on purpose forgot about my little pact with God or the Universe. I was quite secure doing this for three years after my PhD. I was well within my comfort zone and enjoying it. Until one day, the Universe came calling.
In spring 2017, I was attending a conference, listening to a guy on a stage getting really excited about data. You heard me...data. I was at the Data Summit in Dublin afterall, so this was nothing surprising. Only a short time before this, I would have been equally as enthralled, but that particular day, in that particular auditorium, a thought that had been circling my brain for some time came to me. It clarified in my brain. It was like I had been driving in fog and I had suddenly come through it. The thought was suddenly clear as day. It then very quickly took over my entire being, until I was sitting there completely at odds with my surroundings. That clarifying thought was:
There has to be something more than this...
That sentence invaded me so purely and so thoroughly, I became angry. I was angry at the universe for making me feel like this. I had worked long and hard, I had slogged to get a PhD and juggled child-rearing duties and jobs to earn the privilege of being in that auditorium. Yet, now that I was there, now that I had arrived, the universe chose to tell me, it was not where I was supposed to be. It came loud and clear in that Auditorium. You see, the auditorium was almost silent. Everyone there was listening to the talker. So I had time to let my mind settle. When I had quieted myself for long enough to listen, the universe told me it had other plans for me. I knew in the pit of my stomach I was in the wrong place and it scared me to death.
I was so agitated that I got out my pen and started scribbling a mile a minute. Everyone else in the auditorium was listening to this guy talk about how wonderful data was and there I was pouring my heart out on a scrap of paper. In a state of terror, horror even.
The moment will stay with me forever.
Realising that I was in the wrong place pushed me to spout thoughts, fears, resentments, emotions and more onto paper. You see, deep down underneath the sickly terror of knowing I was in the wrong place, lay the even more terrifying knowledge that I knew where I should be. I'd known for years. The problem was, I was light years away from being able to do it. If I were to start doing what I was meant to be doing, I'd have to do a complete 180' turnabout in my life. How could I do that when I had a mortgage and kids to feed? It was unreasonable of the universe to ask such a huge thing of me. Yet, I knew that for as long as I denied my true path, I'd never find peace. That was why I felt utter terror.
That was May 2017. It's been a complete tumble-dryer ride ever since.
When I look back now over the past few years, I can see how far I've come. I used to be very career driven and ambitious. I always felt like I had a relationship with God/the Universe but I used to value people by how financially successful they were in their lives. I was always reaching for the next opportunity without stopping to be grateful for the opportunity I had just received.
Slowly, by taking baby steps and sometimes gigantic steps towards my true path, a novel idea began to pervade my (un)consciousness. That novel idea was that there was more to life than financial gain and worldly success. Over time, this novel idea became something more profound. I started reading books, listening to podcasts and educating myself about how to live a life with integrity. Eventually, I couldn't live with myself in my existing form anymore. It felt like I had to shed my outer skin and show who I was inside. The problem was, I didn't know how to do that. Slowly, through more reading, listening and speaking to loved ones, I learned the best way to show your true self was simply through showing love.
Now, my daily intention is to spread as much love as I can. I do this through wishing people well and being there for the people I love, whenever they need me. I am working on allowing the normal daily irritations to pass right through me. I do this to preserve my peace and happiness. It's not easy, but if I try, letting those nasty little daily irritants to pass right through, makes me a happier person in the long run.
I am still learning. I feel like I am a child learning all over again how to interact with this beautiful world we live in. I am finally learning how to 'be'.
Additionally, I am finally doing what I have always longed to do but never had the courage before to even speak about it. I am writing. That’s what I knew I should be doing that day in the auditorium. I knew I should be writing, but writing doesn’t pay so well and I had a big mortgage! If you’re curious about how I managed to start writing without shirking my financial responsibilities have a read of my blog. I tell you my story.
My dream is to build a network of people who show mutual love and respect to each other.
Love crosses all boundaries.
Here is a place of love.